dadjoke

{
  "id": 332563,
  "created_at": "2020-09-15T07:37:29.000Z",
  "tag_name": "dadjoke",
  "nsfw": false,
  "owner_id": "307208375152934917",
  "uses": 27,
  "description": null,
  "restricted": false,
  "shared": false,
  "deleted": false,
  "safe": "unrated",
  "hidden": false,
  "guild_id": "718183429300027482",
  "sharer": "728626466820194346",
  "content": "{require(up yo game playa):745132063564497002,781786142495211520,736240525153140787,838311364652957757,842659468684689418}\n{let(thejoke):\n{random:Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!~What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.~What’s brown and sticky? A stick.~Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.~How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.What do you call  letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.~What’s the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.~Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.~I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.~I want to make a brief joke, but it’s a little cheesy.~Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.~How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.~Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.~/ of people admit they’re bad at fractions.~Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!~You’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom? European.~I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.~Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.~What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.~It takes guts to be an organ donor.~What does “Rockin’ Robin” do when she’s bored? Tweet.~I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.~How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.~Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.~Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.~What’s a crafty dancer’s favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.~How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together.~What kind of music do chiropractor’s like? Hip pop.~To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!~I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!~How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.~What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password? forest.~What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.~What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.~Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.~Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.~What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.~Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.~Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' Drizzle.~What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.~What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.~Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.~How do you organize a space party? You planet.~Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it.~Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.~What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.~What does a baby computer call his father? Data.~Did you hear about the power outlet who got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.~Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.~Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.~How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.~How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?  tickles.~Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn't follow it.~I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.~How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!~What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!~What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.~Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.~Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.~How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.~What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!~What concert costs just  cents?  Cent featuring Nickelback!~Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!~What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!~Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!~Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!~What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!~Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!~What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.~What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!~How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!~Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!~Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?  They say he made a mint!~Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it!~How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!~Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!~Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with!~What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!~Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!~Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it!~I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!~To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!~I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying!~My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home!~I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!~Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!~I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts!~This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!~My friend says to me, \"What rhymes with orange?\"And I told him, \"No it doesn't!\"~My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!~I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!~I tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I'm a faux pa!~So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, \"Aye E! I owe you!\"~Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!~My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!~If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!~I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy!~Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions!~Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"Do you know how to drive this thing?\"~I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!~Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!~When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, \"No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!\"~The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!~What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!~I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!~What's brown and sticky? A stick!~Can February March? No, but April May!~What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!~I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!~What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!~After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!~How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put some boogie in it!~Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!~What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!~This morning, Siri said, \"Don't call me Shirley.\" I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!~A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, \"First offender?\" She says, \"No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!\"~I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!~What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!~What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!~What rhymes with boo and stinks? You!~If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?~I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!~Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!~I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!~What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? \"Close the door, I'm dressing!\"~Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!~What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!~Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, mg.~A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!~What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta!~I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.~Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!~I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!~If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?~One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!~What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.~What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.~What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.~Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.~What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.~What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.~My wife asked me to go get  cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked  up.~Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.~Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.~What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.~What’s the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.~Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.~How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.~My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.~Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.~When does a joke become a “dad joke?” When it becomes apparent.~Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.~Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.~Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.~What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.~What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You’re under a vest.~What do you call it when a group of apes start a company? Monkey business.~My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her. I said maybe –~Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.~What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.~Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.~I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.~Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.~Did you hear about the baguette at the zoo? It was bread in captivity.~How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.~What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos~Bad puns are how eye roll.~What do you call a can opener that's broken? A Can't opener.~Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.~Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.~What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant~What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.~My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane but I can't see it taking off.~The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.~Son: Dad, did you get a haircut? Dad: No I got them all cut.~Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.~What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.~I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.~Don’t trust stairs, they’re always up to something.~Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.~I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick, she still isn't talking to me.~This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.~I built an electric fence around my garden and my neighbour is dead against it.~Whoever stole my antidepressants I hope you are happy now.~Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\"~What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.~Son: Dad can you put on my shoes for me? Dad: I'll try but they might not fit!~My wife accused me of having zero empathy. I don't understand how she can feel that way.~What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.~My wife asked me if \"I was listening to her\", strange way to start a conservation.~To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.~I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts~Son: Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Dad: No sun.~Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.~A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.~Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.~What's brown and sticky? A stick.~Son: Dad, can you put the cat out? Dad: I didn't know it was on fire.~My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else...~My wife told me i need to stop behaving like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.~I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.~Son: I'll call you later. Dad: Don't call me later, call me Dad.~I like waiters, they bring a lot to the table.~Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.~My wife is like a newspaper, a new issue everyday.~I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.~People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.~What do you call a shoe made of a banana? A Slipper.~Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself. Me: Make your mind up!~My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defense I've had a lot on my plate recently.~I love jokes about eyes, the cornea the better.~Some mornings I wake up grumpy, on others I let her sleep in.~I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks tell them I'm outstanding.~You should always knock on the fridge before opening it just in case there's a salad dressing.~Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, I don't think they'll fit me.~My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out, had drinks and he's a web designer.~A guy tried to sell me a mirror but I knew it was a scam, I could see right through it.~I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.~I once ate a dictionary, it gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.~I would avoid the sushi if I was you, it’s a little fishy.~How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.~My 3 favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.~You know what actually makes me smile? My facial muscles.~I am reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.~I spent $100 on a new belt that didn't even fit, my wife said it was a huge waist.~I hate it when people say age is only a number, age is clearly a word.~Son: Dad, I'm hungry! Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad.~Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.~I have this strange talent that I can always guess what's inside a wrapped present - It's a gift.~Sundays are always a little sad but, the day before is a sadder day.~To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!~I left my wife because she was obsessed with counting. I wonder what she's up to now?~Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.~I went to the store to pick up 8 cans of Sprite. When I got home I realised I'd only picked 7up.~When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.~What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.~I purchased a deodorant stick today, instructions say \"remove cap and push up buttom\" I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.~What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.~My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.~Today my wife left me because I am insecure. Oh wait! She's back, she went to get coffee.~My wife changed a lot when she went vegan, it's like I never knew herbivore.~A man is washing the car with his son. Son: \"Dad can't you just use a sponge?\"~Son: How much do all of our bones weigh? Dad: A Skele-ton.~The rotation of earth really makes my day.~A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night, oof.~To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you, I have contacts.~Son: How do I look? Dad: With your eyes.~I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work.~What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.~2 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf, I haven't heard from him since.~Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!~As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.~Son: There’s something in my eye. Dad: Looks like an eyeball!~After you die what part of your body is the last to stop working? Your pupils, they dilate.~Saturday and Sunday are strong days because the others are just weekdays.~I don't want to brag, I finished the puzzle in a week and it said 2-4 years on the box.~How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.~Dark is spelled with a C not a K because you can't C in the dark.~Did you hear about the guy who cut off the left side of his body? He's all right now.~I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.~I was driving my bread car and it caught alight, now it's toast.~I just swapped our bed for a trampoline, my wife hit the roof.~What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.~You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trum-pet.~What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.~Based upon my shameful behaviour after drinking, I finally decided to quit drinking altogether. Now I drink alone.~I have a fear of elevators, I'm taking steps to avoid them.~How does a meteorologist go up a mountain? They climate.}}",
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  "last_fetched": "2026-10-20T22:30:47.578Z"
}