dadjoke

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  "id": 295214,
  "created_at": "2022-04-26T10:37:23.913Z",
  "tag_name": "dadjoke",
  "nsfw": false,
  "owner_id": "90519801641861120",
  "uses": 213,
  "description": null,
  "restricted": false,
  "shared": false,
  "deleted": false,
  "safe": "unrated",
  "hidden": false,
  "guild_id": "741404405705998437",
  "sharer": "376586497488322561",
  "content": "{embed(color):#51d3c0}\n\n{delete}\n\n{=(emoji):{rand: :rofl:, 😅 ,😆, 😜, :rolling_eyes:, 👏, 💀 ,🥱, 🤦‍♀‍, 👍, 👀, 😎 ,🤪, 😹  }}\n\n{react: {emoji}}\n\n{=(jokes): {random: Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!! ~\nWhat kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.~\nWhat’s brown and sticky? A stick.~\nHow do you know that you've been in college too long? Your parents are running out of money!~\nWhat do you call a test tube with a college degree? A graduated cylinder! badumm~\nA college professor was worried about his recent study on earthquakes. Turns out, his findings were on shaky grounds.~\nWhat is the definition of an optimist? A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.~\nWhy did the music note drop out of college? Because it couldn't pick a major!!!!~\nWhy do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has \"a cast\"~\nHelvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”~\nWhat did the music thief do in college? Take notes.~\nWhat happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.~\nWhat do you call a bear with no ears? Bee~\nHow do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.~\nWhy did Adele cross the road? To sing, \"Hello from the other side!\"~\nWhat starts w E ends with E and only has 1 letter in it? An ENVELOPE~\nWhat did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Ketch-up!~\nWhat do you call a small mom? minimum~\nTwo guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.~\nHow do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.~\nWhat do you call  letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.~\nWhat’s the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.~\nWhy was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.~\nI used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.~\nI want to make a brief joke, but it’s a little cheesy.~\nWhy did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.~\nWhy don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up!~\nDid you hear the rumor about butter? Nevermind, I don't want to be spreading it around.~\nHow do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.~\nSundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.~\nWhy did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!~\nYou’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom? European.~\nI’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.~\nDogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.~\nWhat did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.~\nIt takes guts to be an organ donor.~\nWhy did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!~\nWhat does “Rockin’ Robin” do when she’s bored? Tweet.~\nI lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.~\nHow do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.~\nSinging in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.~\nWhy were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.~\nI'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it~\nWhat’s a crafty dancer’s favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.~\nHow does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together.~\nWhat kind of music do chiropractor’s like? Hip pop.~\nTo whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!~\nI'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!~\nHow do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.~\nWhat's Forrest Gump's Facebook password? forest.~\nWhat do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.~\nWhat time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.~\nDid you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.~\nWhy didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.~\nWhat kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.~\nWhy did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.~\nI've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it~\nI used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me~\nWhy does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' Drizzle.~\nWhat did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.~\nWhat do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.~\nWhich is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.~\nHow do you organize a space party? You planet.~\nDid you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it.~\nWhy are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.~\nWhat did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.~\nWhat does a baby computer call his father? Data.~\nDid you hear about the power outlet who got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.~\nWhy are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.~\nWhy can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.~\nHow do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.~\nHow many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?  tickles.~\nDo you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn't follow it.~\nI made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.~\nHow do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!~\nWhat do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!~\nWhat do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.~\nWhere do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.~\nWhy are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.~\nWhich state has the most streets? Rhode Island~\nHow can a leopard change his spots? By moving.~\nWhat do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!~\nWhat concert costs just  cents?  Cent featuring Nickelback!~\nWhy did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!~\nWhat do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!~\nWhy couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!~\nDid you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!~\nWhat do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!~\nWhy do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!~\nWhat happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.~\nWhat did the coffee report to the police? A muggin~\nWhat's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!~\nHow many apples grow on a tree? All of them!~\nDid you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!~\nDid you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?  They say he made a mint!~\nWhy do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it!~\nHow does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!~\nWhy did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!~\nWhy don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with!~\nWhat do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!~\nWhy did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!~\nWant to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it!~\nI like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!~\nTo whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!~\nI used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying!~\nMy boss told me to have a good day. So I went home!~\nI'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!~\nSpring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!~\nI thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts!~\nThis graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!~\nMy friend says to me, \"What rhymes with orange?\"And I told him, \"No it doesn't!\"~\nMy wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!~\nI told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!~\nI tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I'm a faux pa!~\nSo a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, \"Aye E! I owe you!\"~\nDid I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!~\nMy uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!~\nIf you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!~\nI would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy!~\nFive out of four people admit they're bad with fractions!~\nTwo goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"Do you know how to drive this thing?\"~\nI'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!~\nDid you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!~\nWhen the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, \"No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!\"~\nThe difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!~\nWhat's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!~\nI don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!~\nWhat's brown and sticky? A stick!~\nCan February March? No, but April May!~\nWhat's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!~\nI invented a new word today: Plagiarism!~\nWhat do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!~\nAfter dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!~\nHow do you make a Kleenex dance? Put some boogie in it!~\nWhy is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!~\nWhat's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!~\nWhat do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!~\nThis morning, Siri said, \"Don't call me Shirley.\" I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!~\nA woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, \"First offender?\" She says, \"No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!\"~\nWhen I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.~\nI know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!~\nWhat do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!~\nWhat do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!~\nWhat rhymes with boo and stinks? You!~\nIf an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?~\nI think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!~\nWhich U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!~\nI got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!~\nWhat did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? \"Close the door, I'm dressing!\"~\nWhy do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!~\nWhat did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!~\nLast night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, mg.~\nWhy do melons have weddings? Because the cantaloupe!~\nA cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!~\nWhat do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta!~\nI've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.~\nWhy did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!~\nI don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!~\nIf two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?~\nOne of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!~\nWhat did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.~\nWhat kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.~\nWhat do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.~\nWant to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.~\nWhat would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.~\nWhat did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.~\nMy wife asked me to go get  cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked  up.~\nWhy do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.~\nWhy do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.~\nWhat do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.~\nWhat’s the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.~\nDid you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.~\nHow can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.~\nMy boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.~\nWhy did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.~\nWhen does a joke become a “dad joke?” When it becomes apparent.~\nWhy is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.~\nWhich state has the most streets? Rhode Island.~\nWhy are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.~\nWhat do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.~\nWhat did the police officer say to his belly-button? You’re under a vest.~\nWhat do you call it when a group of apes start a company? Monkey business.~\nMy wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her. I said maybe –~\nDid you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.~\nWhat do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.~\nWant to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.~\nI just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.~\nWhy did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.~\nDid you hear about the baguette at the zoo? It was bread in captivity.~\nHow does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.~\nWhat do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos~\nBad puns are how eye roll.~\nWhat do you call a can opener that's broken? A Can't opener.~\nWhy did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.~\nWhy don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.~\nWhat do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant~\nWhat do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.~\nMy friend has designed an invisible aeroplane but I can't see it taking off.~\nThe shovel was a ground-breaking invention.~\nSon: Dad, did you get a haircut? Dad: No I got them all cut.~\nWhy couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.~\nWhat did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.~\nI wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.~\nDon’t trust stairs, they’re always up to something.~\nWant to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.~\nI accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick, she still isn't talking to me.~\nThis graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.~\nI built an electric fence around my garden and my neighbour is dead against it.~\nWhoever stole my antidepressants I hope you are happy now.~\nTwo goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\"~\nWhat do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.~\nSon: Dad can you put on my shoes for me? Dad: I'll try but they might not fit!~\nMy wife accused me of having zero empathy. I don't understand how she can feel that way.~\nWhat do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.~\nMy wife asked me if \"I was listening to her\", strange way to start a conservation.~\nTo the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.~\nI thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts~\nSon: Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Dad: No sun.~\nWhy do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.~\nA furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.~\nWhy do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.~\nWhat's brown and sticky? A stick.~\nSon: Dad, can you put the cat out? Dad: I didn't know it was on fire.~\nMy wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else...~\nMy wife told me i need to stop behaving like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.~\nI used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.~\nSon: I'll call you later. Dad: Don't call me later, call me Dad.~\nI like waiters, they bring a lot to the table.~\nDid I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.~\nMy wife is like a newspaper, a new issue everyday.~\nI don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.~\nPeople don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.~\nWhat do you call a shoe made of a banana? A Slipper.~\nWife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself. Me: Make your mind up!~\nMy mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defense I've had a lot on my plate recently.~\nI love jokes about eyes, the cornea the better.~\nSome mornings I wake up grumpy, on others I let her sleep in.~\nI'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks tell them I'm outstanding.~\nYou should always knock on the fridge before opening it just in case there's a salad dressing.~\nSon: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, I don't think they'll fit me.~\nMy wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out, had drinks and he's a web designer.~\nA guy tried to sell me a mirror but I knew it was a scam, I could see right through it.~\nI was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.~\nI once ate a dictionary, it gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.~\nI would avoid the sushi if I was you, it’s a little fishy.~\nHow many apples grow on a tree? All of them.~\nMy 3 favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.~\nYou know what actually makes me smile? My facial muscles.~\nI am reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.~\nI spent $100 on a new belt that didn't even fit, my wife said it was a huge waist.~\nI hate it when people say age is only a number, age is clearly a word.~\nSon: Dad, I'm hungry! Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad.~\nDid you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.~\nI have this strange talent that I can always guess what's inside a wrapped present - It's a gift.~\nSundays are always a little sad but, the day before is a sadder day.~\nTo whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!~\nI left my wife because she was obsessed with counting. I wonder what she's up to now?~\nSinging in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.~\nI went to the store to pick up 8 cans of Sprite. When I got home I realised I'd only picked 7up.~\nWhen is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.~\nWhat's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.~\nI purchased a deodorant stick today, instructions say \"remove cap and push up buttom\" I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.~\nWhat is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.~\nMy wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.~\nToday my wife left me because I am insecure. Oh wait! She's back, she went to get coffee.~\nMy wife changed a lot when she went vegan, it's like I never knew herbivore.~\nA man is washing the car with his son. Son: \"Dad can't you just use a sponge?\"~\nSon: How much do all of our bones weigh? Dad: A Skele-ton.~\nThe rotation of earth really makes my day.~\nA storm blew away 25% of my roof last night, oof.~\nTo the person who stole my glasses. I will find you, I have contacts.~\nSon: How do I look? Dad: With your eyes.~\nI know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work.~\nWhat's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.~\n2 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf, I haven't heard from him since.~\nDon't trust atoms. They make up everything!~\nAs i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.~\nSon: There’s something in my eye. Dad: Looks like an eyeball!~\nAfter you die what part of your body is the last to stop working? Your pupils, they dilate.~\nSaturday and Sunday are strong days because the others are just weekdays.~\nI don't want to brag, I finished the puzzle in a week and it said 2-4 years on the box.~\nHow do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.~Dark is spelled with a C not a K because you can't C in the dark.~\nDid you hear about the guy who cut off the left side of his body? He's all right now.~\nI was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.~\nI was driving my bread car and it caught alight, now it's toast.~\nI just swapped our bed for a trampoline, my wife hit the roof.~\nWhat lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.~\nYou know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trum-pet.~\nWhat do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.~\nBased upon my shameful behaviour after drinking, I finally decided to quit drinking altogether. Now I drink alone.~\nI have a fear of elevators, I'm taking steps to avoid them.~\nHow does a meteorologist go up a mountain? They climate.~\nWhat do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.~\n}}",
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