dadjoke

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They just wanted something pillow-key!|You’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom? European.|I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.|Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.|What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.|It takes guts to be an organ donor.|What does “Rockin’ Robin” do when she’s bored? Tweet.|I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.|How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.|Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.|Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.|What’s a crafty dancer’s favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.|How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together.|What kind of music do chiropractor’s like? Hip pop.|To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!|I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!|How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.|What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password? forest.|What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.|What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.|Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.|Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.|What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.|Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.|Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' Drizzle.|What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.|What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.|Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.|How do you organize a space party? You planet.|Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it.|Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.|What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.|What does a baby computer call his father? Data.|Did you hear about the power outlet who got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.|Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.|Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.|How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.|How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?  tickles.|Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn't follow it.|I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.|How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!|What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!|What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.|Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.|Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.|How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.|What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!|What concert costs just  cents?  Cent featuring Nickelback!|Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!|What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!|Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!|Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!|What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!|Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!|What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.|What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!|How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!|Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!|Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?  They say he made a mint!|Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it!|How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!|Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!|Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with!|What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!|Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!|Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it!|I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!|To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!|I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying!|My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home!|I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!|Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!|I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts!|This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!|My friend says to me, \"What rhymes with orange?\"And I told him, \"No it doesn't!\"|My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!|I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!|I tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I'm a faux pa!|So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, \"Aye E! I owe you!\"|Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!|My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!|If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!|I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy!|Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions!|Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"Do you know how to drive this thing?\"|I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!|Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!|When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, \"No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!\"|The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!|What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!|I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!|What's brown and sticky? A stick!|Can February March? No, but April May!|What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!|I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!|What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!|After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!|How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put some boogie in it!|Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!|What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!|This morning, Siri said, \"Don't call me Shirley.\" I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!|A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, \"First offender?\" She says, \"No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!\"|I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!|What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!|What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!|What rhymes with boo and stinks? You!|If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?|I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!|Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!|I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!|What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? \"Close the door, I'm dressing!\"|Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!|What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!|Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, mg.|A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!|What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta!|I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.|Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!|I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!|If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?|One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!|What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.|What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.|What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.|Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.|What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.|What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.|My wife asked me to go get  cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked  up.|Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.|Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.|What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.|What’s the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.|Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.|How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.|My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.|Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.|When does a joke become a “dad joke?” When it becomes apparent.|Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.|Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.|Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.|What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.|What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You’re under a vest.|What do you call it when a group of apes start a company? Monkey business.|My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her. I said maybe –|Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.|What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.|Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.|I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.|Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.|Did you hear about the baguette at the zoo? It was bread in captivity.|How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.|What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos|Bad puns are how eye roll.|What do you call a can opener that's broken? A Can't opener.|Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.|Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.|What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant|What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.|My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane but I can't see it taking off.|The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.|Son: Dad, did you get a haircut? Dad: No I got them all cut.|Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.|What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.|I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.|Don’t trust stairs, they’re always up to something.|Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.|I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick, she still isn't talking to me.|This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.|I built an electric fence around my garden and my neighbour is dead against it.|Whoever stole my antidepressants I hope you are happy now.|Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\"|What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.|Son: Dad can you put on my shoes for me? Dad: I'll try but they might not fit!|My wife accused me of having zero empathy. I don't understand how she can feel that way.|What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.|My wife asked me if \"I was listening to her\", strange way to start a conservation.|To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.|I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts|Son: Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Dad: No sun.|Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.|A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.|Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.|What's brown and sticky? A stick.|Son: Dad, can you put the cat out? Dad: I didn't know it was on fire.|My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else...|My wife told me i need to stop behaving like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.|I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.|Son: I'll call you later. Dad: Don't call me later, call me Dad.|I like waiters, they bring a lot to the table.|Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.|My wife is like a newspaper, a new issue everyday.|I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.|People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.|What do you call a shoe made of a banana? A Slipper.|Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself. Me: Make your mind up!|My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defense I've had a lot on my plate recently.|I love jokes about eyes, the cornea the better.|Some mornings I wake up grumpy, on others I let her sleep in.|I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks tell them I'm outstanding.|You should always knock on the fridge before opening it just in case there's a salad dressing.|Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, I don't think they'll fit me.|My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out, had drinks and he's a web designer.|A guy tried to sell me a mirror but I knew it was a scam, I could see right through it.|I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.|I once ate a dictionary, it gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.|I would avoid the sushi if I was you, it’s a little fishy.|How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.|My 3 favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.|You know what actually makes me smile? My facial muscles.|I am reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.|I spent $100 on a new belt that didn't even fit, my wife said it was a huge waist.|I hate it when people say age is only a number, age is clearly a word.|Son: Dad, I'm hungry! Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad.|Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.|I have this strange talent that I can always guess what's inside a wrapped present - It's a gift.|Sundays are always a little sad but, the day before is a sadder day.|To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!|I left my wife because she was obsessed with counting. I wonder what she's up to now?|Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.|I went to the store to pick up 8 cans of Sprite. When I got home I realised I'd only picked 7up.|When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.|What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.|I purchased a deodorant stick today, instructions say \"remove cap and push up buttom\" I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.|What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.|My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.|Today my wife left me because I am insecure. Oh wait! She's back, she went to get coffee.|My wife changed a lot when she went vegan, it's like I never knew herbivore.|A man is washing the car with his son. Son: \"Dad can't you just use a sponge?\"|Son: How much do all of our bones weigh? Dad: A Skele-ton.|The rotation of earth really makes my day.|A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night, oof.|To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you, I have contacts.|Son: How do I look? Dad: With your eyes.|I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work.|What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.|2 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf, I haven't heard from him since.|Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!|As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.|Son: There’s something in my eye. Dad: Looks like an eyeball!|After you die what part of your body is the last to stop working? Your pupils, they dilate.|Saturday and Sunday are strong days because the others are just weekdays.|I don't want to brag, I finished the puzzle in a week and it said 2-4 years on the box.|How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.|Dark is spelled with a C not a K because you can't C in the dark.|Did you hear about the guy who cut off the left side of his body? He's all right now.|I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.|I was driving my bread car and it caught alight, now it's toast.|I just swapped our bed for a trampoline, my wife hit the roof.|What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 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