dadjoke

{
  "id": 1725469,
  "created_at": "2023-05-01T17:03:15.000Z",
  "tag_name": "dadjoke",
  "nsfw": false,
  "owner_id": "190997959012253697",
  "uses": 19,
  "description": null,
  "restricted": false,
  "shared": false,
  "deleted": false,
  "safe": "unrated",
  "hidden": false,
  "guild_id": "284494858884874240",
  "sharer": "190997959012253697",
  "content": "{delete}{override}\n{rand: Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!  , What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom , brrroooom. , What’s brown and sticky? A stick. , Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. , How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor. , What do you call letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical. , What’s the name of a very polite , European body of water? Merci. , Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded. , I used to hate facial hair , but then it grew on me. , I want to make a brief joke , but it’s a little cheesy. , Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback. , How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. , Sundays are always a little sad , but the day before is a sadder day , Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key! , You’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out , but what are you while you’re in the bathroom? European. , I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. , Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan. , What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose. , It takes guts to be an organ donor. , What does “Rockin’ Robin” do when she’s bored? Tweet. , I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance , so I pushed her over. , How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle. , Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera. , Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. , What’s a crafty dancer’s favorite hobby? Cutting a rug. , How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together. , What kind of music do chiropractor’s like? Hip pop. , To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office , I will find you. You have my Word! , I'll call you later. Don't call me later , call me Dad! , How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. , What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password? forest. , What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale. , What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y. , Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered. , Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. , What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg. , Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. , Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' Drizzle. , What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod , any cod. , What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. , Which is faster , hot or cold? Hot , because you can catch a cold. , How do you organize a space party? You planet. , Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it. , Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin. , What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing , they just waved. , What does a baby computer call his father? Data. , Did you hear about the power outlet who got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him. , Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels. , Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted. , How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. , How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?  tickles. , Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither , I couldn't follow it. , I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless. , How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it! , What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk! , What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad. , Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool. , Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. , How can a leopard change his spots? By moving. , What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing , they fast! , What concert costs just  cents?  Cent featuring Nickelback! , Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! , What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food! , Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! , Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food , no atmosphere! , What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish! , Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe! , What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European. , What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire! , How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! , Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well , I'm not going to spread it! , Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?  They say he made a mint! , Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it! , How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together! , Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well! , Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with! , What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory! , Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it! , Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it! , I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs! , To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office , I will find you. You have my Word! , I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying! , My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home! , I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed! , Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants! , I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts! , This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there! , My friend says to me , \"What rhymes with orange?\"And I told him , \"No it doesn't!\" , My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down! , I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised! , I tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I'm a faux pa! , So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says , \"Aye E! I owe you!\" , Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head! , My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs! , If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?! , I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy! , Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions! , Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other , \"Do you know how to drive this thing?\" , I'll call you later. Don't call me later , call me Dad! , Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way! , When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag , I always tell him , \"No , I'd rather drink it out of the carton!\" , The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this! , What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs! , I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks! , What's brown and sticky? A stick! , Can February March? No , but April May! , What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! , I invented a new word today: Plagiarism! , What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey! , After dinner , my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start , but I made it! , How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put some boogie in it! , Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands! , What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! , This morning , Siri said , \"Don't call me Shirley.\" I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode! , A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her , \"First offender?\" She says , \"No , first a Gibson! Then a Fender!\" , I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work! , What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto! , What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music! , What rhymes with boo and stinks? You! , If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence , is that a fragment? , I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns! , Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota! , I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken! , What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? \"Close the door , I'm dressing!\" , Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady! , What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest! , Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like , mg. , A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! , What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta! , I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back. , Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems! , I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person! , If two vegans get in a fight , is it still considered a beef? , One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears! , What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine. , What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea. , What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone. , Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood. , What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. , What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas. , My wife asked me to go get  cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked  up. , Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. , Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out. , What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird. , What’s the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific. , Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine , he woke up. , How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark. , My boss told me to have a good day , so I went home. , Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well. , When does a joke become a “dad joke?” When it becomes apparent. , Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. , Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. , Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels. , What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller. , What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You’re under a vest. , What do you call it when a group of apes start a company? Monkey business. , My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her. I said maybe – , Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food , no atmosphere. , What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta. , Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable. , I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen. , Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged. , Did you hear about the baguette at the zoo? It was bread in captivity. , How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together. , What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos , Bad puns are how eye roll. , What do you call a can opener that's broken? A Can't opener. , Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. , Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with. , What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant , What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. , My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane but I can't see it taking off. , The shovel was a ground-breaking invention. , Son: Dad , did you get a haircut? Dad: No I got them all cut. , Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired. , What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine. , I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off. , Don’t trust stairs , they’re always up to something. , Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it. , I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick , she still isn't talking to me. , This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there. , I built an electric fence around my garden and my neighbour is dead against it. , Whoever stole my antidepressants I hope you are happy now. , Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other , \"do you know how to drive this thing?\" , What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto. , Son: Dad can you put on my shoes for me? Dad: I'll try but they might not fit! , My wife accused me of having zero empathy. I don't understand how she can feel that way. , What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller. , My wife asked me if \"I was listening to her\" , strange way to start a conservation. , To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run. , I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts , Son: Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Dad: No sun. , Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it. , A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand. , Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it. , What's brown and sticky? A stick. , Son: Dad , can you put the cat out? Dad: I didn't know it was on fire. , My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else... , My wife told me i need to stop behaving like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. , I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying. , Son: I'll call you later. Dad: Don't call me later , call me Dad. , I like waiters , they bring a lot to the table. , Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head. , My wife is like a newspaper , a new issue everyday. , I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks. , People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar. , What do you call a shoe made of a banana? A Slipper. , Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself. Me: Make your mind up! , My mate says I'm getting fat , but in my defense I've had a lot on my plate recently. , I love jokes about eyes , the cornea the better. , Some mornings I wake up grumpy , on others I let her sleep in. , I'm going to stand outside , so if anyone asks tell them I'm outstanding. , You should always knock on the fridge before opening it just in case there's a salad dressing. , Son: Dad , can you put my shoes on? Dad: No , I don't think they'll fit me. , My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out , had drinks and he's a web designer. , A guy tried to sell me a mirror but I knew it was a scam , I could see right through it. , I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof. , I once ate a dictionary , it gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had. , I would avoid the sushi if I was you , it’s a little fishy. , How many apples grow on a tree? All of them. , My 3 favorite things are eating my family and not using commas. , You know what actually makes me smile? My facial muscles. , I am reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen;  I can feel it. , I spent $100 on a new belt that didn't even fit , my wife said it was a huge waist. , I hate it when people say age is only a number , age is clearly a word. , Son: Dad , I'm hungry! Dad: Hi Hungry , I'm Dad. , Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine , he woke up. , I have this strange talent that I can always guess what's inside a wrapped present - It's a gift. , Sundays are always a little sad but , the day before is a sadder day. , To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office , I will find you. You have my Word! , I left my wife because she was obsessed with counting. I wonder what she's up to now? , Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera. , I went to the store to pick up 8 cans of Sprite. When I got home I realised I'd only picked 7up. , When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar. , What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint. , I purchased a deodorant stick today , instructions say \"remove cap and push up buttom\" I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely. , What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. , My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right. , Today my wife left me because I am insecure. Oh wait! She's back , she went to get coffee. , My wife changed a lot when she went vegan , it's like I never knew herbivore. , A man is washing the car with his son. Son: \"Dad can't you just use a sponge?\" , Son: How much do all of our bones weigh? Dad: A Skele-ton. , The rotation of earth really makes my day. , A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night , oof. , To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you , I have contacts. , Son: How do I look? Dad: With your eyes. , I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work. , What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. , 2 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf , I haven't heard from him since. , Don't trust atoms. They make up everything! , As i suspected , someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens. , Son: There’s something in my eye. Dad: Looks like an eyeball! , After you die what part of your body is the last to stop working? Your pupils , they dilate. , Saturday and Sunday are strong days because the others are just weekdays. , I don't want to brag , I finished the puzzle in a week and it said 2-4 years on the box. , How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. , Dark is spelled with a C not a K because you can't C in the dark. , Did you hear about the guy who cut off the left side of his body? He's all right now. , I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke , but you guys didn’t like it. , I was driving my bread car and it caught alight , now it's toast. , I just swapped our bed for a trampoline , my wife hit the roof. , What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. , You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trum-pet. , What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. , Based upon my shameful behaviour after drinking , I finally decided to quit drinking altogether. Now I drink alone. , I have a fear of elevators , I'm taking steps to avoid them. , How does a meteorologist go up a mountain? They climate.}",
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  "last_fetched": "2026-10-20T19:14:39.944Z"
}