dadjoke

{
  "id": 1175006,
  "created_at": "2021-12-02T05:24:06.000Z",
  "tag_name": "dadjoke",
  "nsfw": false,
  "owner_id": "472726973970644992",
  "uses": 18,
  "description": null,
  "restricted": false,
  "shared": false,
  "deleted": false,
  "safe": "unrated",
  "hidden": false,
  "guild_id": "915830847549079592",
  "sharer": "472726973970644992",
  "content": "",
  "embed": "{\"color\": 5198940, \"thumbnail\": {\"url\": \"https://i.redd.it/1gdoh6z49he21.jpg\"}, \"description\": \"{random:\\n~Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!\\n~What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.\\n~What’s brown and sticky? A stick.\\n~Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.\\n~How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.\\n~What do you call letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.\\n~What’s the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.\\n~Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.\\n~I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.\\n~I want to make a brief joke, but it’s a little cheesy.\\n~Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.\\n~How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.\\n~Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.\\n~/ of people admit they’re bad at fractions.\\n~Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!\\n~You’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom? European.\\n~I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.\\n~Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.\\n~What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.\\n~It takes guts to be an organ donor.\\n~What does “Rockin’ Robin” do when she’s bored? Tweet.\\n~I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.\\n~How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.\\n~Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.\\n~Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.\\n~What’s a crafty dancer’s favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.\\n~How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together.\\n~What kind of music do chiropractor’s like? Hip pop.\\n~To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!\\n~I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!\\n~How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.\\n~What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password? forest.\\n~What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.\\n~What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.\\n~Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.\\n~Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.\\n~What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.\\n~Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.\\n~Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' Drizzle.\\n~What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.\\n~What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.\\n~Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.\\n~How do you organize a space party? You planet.\\n~Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it.\\n~Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.\\n~What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.\\n~What does a baby computer call his father? Data.\\n~Did you hear about the power outlet who got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.\\n~Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.\\n~Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.\\n~How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.\\n~How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?  tickles.\\n~Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn't follow it.\\n~I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.\\n~How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!\\n~What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!\\n~What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.\\n~Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.\\n~Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.\\n~How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.\\n~What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!\\n~What concert costs just  cents?  Cent featuring Nickelback!\\n~Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!\\n~What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!\\n~Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!\\n~Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!\\n~What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!\\n~Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!\\n~What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.\\n~What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!\\n~How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!\\n~Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!\\n~Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?  They say he made a mint!\\n~Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it!\\n~How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!\\n~Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!\\n~Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with!\\n~What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!\\n~Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!\\n~Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it!\\n~I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!\\n~To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!\\n~I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying!\\n~My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home!\\n~I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!\\n~Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!\\n~I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts!\\n~This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!\\n~My friend says to me, \\\"What rhymes with orange?\\\"And I told him, \\\"No it doesn't!\\\"\\n~My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!\\n~I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!\\n~I tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I'm a faux pa!\\n~So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, \\\"Aye E! I owe you!\\\"\\n~Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!\\n~My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!\\n~If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!\\n~I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy!\\n~Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions!\\n~Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \\\"Do you know how to drive this thing?\\\"\\n~I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!\\n~Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!\\n~When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, \\\"No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!\\\"\\n~The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!\\n~What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!\\n~I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!\\n~What's brown and sticky? A stick!\\n~Can February March? No, but April May!\\n~What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!\\n~I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!\\n~What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!\\n~After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!\\n~How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put some boogie in it!\\n~Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!\\n~What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!\\n~This morning, Siri said, \\\"Don't call me Shirley.\\\" I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!\\n~A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, \\\"First offender?\\\" She says, \\\"No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!\\\"\\n~I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!\\n~What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!\\n~What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!\\n~What rhymes with boo and stinks? You!\\n~If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?\\n~I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!\\n~Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!\\n~I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!\\n~What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? \\\"Close the door, I'm dressing!\\\"\\n~Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!\\n~What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!\\n~Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, mg.\\n~A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!\\n~What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta!\\n~I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.\\n~Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!\\n~I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!\\n~If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?\\n~One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!\\n~What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.\\n~What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.\\n~What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.\\n~Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.\\n~What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.\\n~What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.\\n~My wife asked me to go get  cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked  up.\\n~Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.\\n~Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.\\n~What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.\\n~What’s the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.\\n~Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.\\n~How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.\\n~My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.\\n~Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.\\n~When does a joke become a “dad joke?” When it becomes apparent.\\n~Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.\\n~Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.\\n~Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.\\n~What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.\\n~What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You’re under a vest.\\n~What do you call it when a group of apes start a company? Monkey business.\\n~My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her. I said maybe –\\n~Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.\\n~What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.\\n~Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.\\n~I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.\\n~Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.\\n~Did you hear about the baguette at the zoo? It was bread in captivity.\\n~How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.\\n~What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos\\n~Bad puns are how eye roll.\\n~What do you call a can opener that's broken? A Can't opener.\\n~Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.\\n~Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.\\n~What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant\\n~What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.\\n~My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane but I can't see it taking off.\\n~The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.\\n~Son: Dad, did you get a haircut? Dad: No I got them all cut.\\n~Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.\\n~What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.\\n~I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.\\n~Don’t trust stairs, they’re always up to something.\\n~Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.\\n~I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick, she still isn't talking to me.\\n~This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.\\n~I built an electric fence around my garden and my neighbour is dead against it.\\n~Whoever stole my antidepressants I hope you are happy now.\\n~Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \\\"do you know how to drive this thing?\\\"\\n~What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.\\n~Son: Dad can you put on my shoes for me? Dad: I'll try but they might not fit!\\n~My wife accused me of having zero empathy. I don't understand how she can feel that way.\\n~What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.\\n~My wife asked me if \\\"I was listening to her\\\", strange way to start a conservation.\\n~To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.\\n~I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts\\n~Son: Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Dad: No sun.\\n~Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.\\n~A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.\\n~Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.\\n~What's brown and sticky? A stick.\\n~Son: Dad, can you put the cat out? Dad: I didn't know it was on fire.\\n~My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else...\\n~My wife told me i need to stop behaving like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.\\n~I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.\\n~Son: I'll call you later. Dad: Don't call me later, call me Dad.\\n~I like waiters, they bring a lot to the table.\\n~Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.\\n~My wife is like a newspaper, a new issue everyday.\\n~I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.\\n~People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.\\n~What do you call a shoe made of a banana? A Slipper.\\n~Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself. Me: Make your mind up!\\n~My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defense I've had a lot on my plate recently.\\n~I love jokes about eyes, the cornea the better.\\n~Some mornings I wake up grumpy, on others I let her sleep in.\\n~I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks tell them I'm outstanding.\\n~You should always knock on the fridge before opening it just in case there's a salad dressing.\\n~Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, I don't think they'll fit me.\\n~My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out, had drinks and he's a web designer.\\n~A guy tried to sell me a mirror but I knew it was a scam, I could see right through it.\\n~I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.\\n~I once ate a dictionary, it gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.\\n~I would avoid the sushi if I was you, it’s a little fishy.\\n~How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.\\n~My 3 favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.\\n~You know what actually makes me smile? My facial muscles.\\n~I am reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.\\n~I spent $100 on a new belt that didn't even fit, my wife said it was a huge waist.\\n~I hate it when people say age is only a number, age is clearly a word.\\n~Son: Dad, I'm hungry! Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad.\\n~Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.\\n~I have this strange talent that I can always guess what's inside a wrapped present - It's a gift.\\n~Sundays are always a little sad but, the day before is a sadder day.\\n~To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!\\n~I left my wife because she was obsessed with counting. I wonder what she's up to now?\\n~Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.\\n~I went to the store to pick up 8 cans of Sprite. When I got home I realised I'd only picked 7up.\\n~When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.\\n~What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.\\n~I purchased a deodorant stick today, instructions say \\\"remove cap and push up buttom\\\" I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.\\n~What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.\\n~My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.\\n~Today my wife left me because I am insecure. Oh wait! She's back, she went to get coffee.\\n~My wife changed a lot when she went vegan, it's like I never knew herbivore.\\n~A man is washing the car with his son. Son: \\\"Dad can't you just use a sponge?\\\"\\n~Son: How much do all of our bones weigh? Dad: A Skele-ton.\\n~The rotation of earth really makes my day.\\n~A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night, oof.\\n~To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you, I have contacts.\\n~Son: How do I look? Dad: With your eyes.\\n~I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work.\\n~What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.\\n~2 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf, I haven't heard from him since.\\n~Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!\\n~As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.\\n~Son: There’s something in my eye. Dad: Looks like an eyeball!\\n~After you die what part of your body is the last to stop working? Your pupils, they dilate.\\n~Saturday and Sunday are strong days because the others are just weekdays.\\n~I don't want to brag, I finished the puzzle in a week and it said 2-4 years on the box.\\n~How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.\\n~Dark is spelled with a C not a K because you can't C in the dark.\\n~Did you hear about the guy who cut off the left side of his body? He's all right now.\\n~I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.\\n~I was driving my bread car and it caught alight, now it's toast.\\n~I just swapped our bed for a trampoline, my wife hit the roof.\\n~What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.\\n~You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trum-pet.\\n~What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.\\n~Based upon my shameful behaviour after drinking, I finally decided to quit drinking altogether. Now I drink alone.\\n~I have a fear of elevators, I'm taking steps to avoid them.\\n~How does a meteorologist go up a mountain? They climate.\\n~What do clumsy gardeners grow? Whoopsie-daisies and faceplants.\\n}\"}",
  "last_fetched": "2026-10-20T18:05:32.605Z"
}