dadjoke

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  "created_at": "2021-08-13T16:37:04.000Z",
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  "embed": "{\"color\": 5198940, \"title\": \"Dad Joke\", \"footer\": {\"text\": \" \"}, \"description\": \"{random: \\nWhich bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!~\\nWhat kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.~\\nWhat’s brown and sticky? A stick.~\\nTwo guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.~\\nHow do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.~\\nWhat do you call letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.~\\nWhat’s the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.~\\nI used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.~ \\nWhy did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.~\\nHow do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.~\\nSundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.~\\n5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.~\\nYou’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom? European.~\\nDogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.~\\nWhat did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.~\\nIt takes guts to be an organ donor.~\\nI lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.~\\nHow do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.~\\nSinging in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.~\\nWhy were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.~\\nWhat’s a crafty dancer’s favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.~\\nHow does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together.~\\nWhat kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.~\\nTo whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!~\\nHow do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.~\\nWhat do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.~\\nWhat time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.~\\nDid you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.~\\nWhy didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.~\\nWhat kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.~\\nWhy did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.~\\nWhy does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' Drizzle.~\\nWhat did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.~\\nWhat do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.~\\nWhich is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.~\\nHow do you organize a space party? You planet.~\\nDid you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it.~\\nWhy are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.~\\nWhat did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.~\\nWhat does a baby computer call his father? Data.~\\nDid you hear about the power outlet who got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.~\\nWhy are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.~\\nWhy can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.~\\nHow do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.~\\nHow many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?  Ten tickles.~\\nI made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.~\\nHow do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!~\\nWhat do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!~\\nWhat do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.~\\nWhere do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.~\\nWhy are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.~\\nWhat do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!~\\nWhat concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!~\\nWhy did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!~\\nWhat do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!~\\nWhy couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!~\\nDid you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!~\\nWhat do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!~\\nWhat's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!~\\nHow many apples grow on a tree? All of them!~\\nDid you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!~\\nDid you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!~\\nWhy do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it!~\\nWhy did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!~\\nWhy don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with!~\\nWhat do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!~\\nWhy did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!~\\nWant to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it!~\\nI like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!~\\nI used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying!~\\nMy boss told me to have a good day. So I went home!~\\nI'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!~\\nSpring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!~\\nI thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts!~\\nThis graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!~\\nMy friend says to me, \\\"What rhymes with orange?\\\"And I told him, \\\"No it doesn't!\\\"~\\nMy wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down!~\\nI told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!~\\nI tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I'm a faux pa!~\\nOne vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, \\\"Aye E! I owe you!\\\"~\\nDid I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!~\\nMy uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!~\\nIf you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!~\\nI would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy!~\\nTwo goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \\\"Do you know how to drive this thing?\\\"~\\nDid you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!~\\nWhen the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, \\\"No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!\\\"~\\nThe difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!~\\nWhat's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!~\\nI don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!~\\nCan February March? No, but April May!~\\nWhat's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!~\\nI invented a new word today: Plagiarism!~\\nAfter dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!~\\nWhy is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!~\\nWhat's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!~\\nThis morning, Siri said, \\\"Don't call me Shirley.\\\" I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!~\\nA woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, \\\"First offender?\\\" She says, \\\"No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!\\\"~\\nI know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!~\\nWhat do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!~\\nWhat do Santa's elves listen to as they work? Wrap music!~\\nIf an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?~\\nI think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!~\\nWhich U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!~\\nI got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!~\\nWhat did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? \\\"Close the door, I'm dressing!\\\"~\\nWhy do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They’re a little shady!~\\nWhat did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!~\\nLast night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, mg.~\\nA cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!~\\nI've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.~\\nWhy did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!~\\nIf two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?~\\nOne of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. Those were Goodyears!~\\nWhat did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.~\\nWhat kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.~\\nWhat do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.~\\nWant to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.~\\nWhat would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.~\\nWhat did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.~\\nWhy do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.~\\nWhy do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.~\\nWhat do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.~\\nWhat’s the most detail-oriented ocean? The sPacific.~\\nDid you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.~\\nHow can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.~\\nWhen does a joke become a “dad joke?” When it becomes apparent.~\\nWhich state has the most streets? Rhode Island.~\\nWhat do you call it when a group of apes start a company? Monkey business.~\\nMy wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her. I said maybe –~\\nWant to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.~\\nI just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.~\\nWhy did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.~\\nDid you hear about the baguette at the zoo? It was bread in captivity.~\\nBad puns are how eye roll.~\\nWhat do you call a can opener that's broken? A Can't opener.~\\nWhat do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant~\\nWhat do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.~\\nMy friend has designed an invisible aeroplane but I can't see it taking off.~\\nThe shovel was a ground-breaking invention.~\\nI wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.~\\nDon’t trust stairs, they’re always up to something.~\\nI accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick, she still isn't talking to me.~\\nI built an electric fence around my garden and my neighbour is dead against it.~\\nWhoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you are happy now.~\\nMy son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is? I said, no sun.~\\nI like waiters, they bring a lot to the table.~\\nWhat do you call a shoe made of a banana? A Slipper.~\\nI love jokes about eyes, the cornea the better.~\\nI'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks, tell them I'm outstanding.~\\nYou should always knock on the fridge before opening it just in case there's a salad dressing.~\\nMy wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out, had drinks, and found out he's a web designer.~\\nA guy tried to sell me a mirror but I knew it was a scam. I could see right through it.~\\nI was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.~\\nI once ate a dictionary, it gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.~\\nMy 3 favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.~\\nYou know what actually makes me smile? My facial muscles.~\\nI am reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.~\\nI hate it when people say age is only a number, age is clearly a word.~\\nI have this strange talent that I can always guess what's inside a wrapped present - It's a gift.~\\nI went to the store to pick up 8 cans of Sprite. When I got home I realised I'd only picked 7up.~\\nWhen is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.~\\nWhat's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.~\\nI purchased a deodorant stick today. The instructions said \\\"remove cap and push up bottom.\\\" I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.~\\nA man is washing the car with his son. The son asks, \\\"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?\\\"~\\nHow much do all of our bones weigh? A Skele-ton.~\\nThe rotation of earth really makes my day.~\\nA storm blew away 25% of my roof last night, oof.~\\nDon't trust atoms. They make up everything!~\\nAs I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.~\\nSaturday and Sunday are strong days because the others are just weekdays.~\\nI don't want to brag, but I finished the puzzle in a week and it said 2-4 years on the box.~\\nDark is spelled with a K not a C because you can't C in the dark.~\\nDid you hear about the guy who cut off the left side of his body? He's all right now.~\\nI was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.~\\nI swapped our bed for a trampoline, and my wife hit the roof.~\\nWhat worries at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.~\\nYou know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trum-pet.~\\nI have a fear of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.~\\nHow does a meteorologist go up a mountain? They climate.}\"}",
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}